Progress.

Last month was tough. The dark days became even darker and stronger, like waves that crashed harder as they came. It was exhausting. I felt defeated every single day. I found myself in a place I thought I would never go back to thirteen years ago, and I knew then that I had to do something. It took one crazy, spontaneous, emotionally-charged trip across town, two full days laying in bed with no desire to leave, and three major emotional breakdowns to finally get a clear mind.

I’ve since pulled myself together, but I still don’t have my shit together. I’m still in that place of uncertainty which triggers my anxiety every now and then. But now, I am slowly embracing the uncertainty because change comes with it.

Looking back on last year’s journal entries made me realize how much I have changed and accomplished since then. It doesn’t seem like much now, but last year’s me would have been happy with these little-but-significant changes that I’m learning of incorporating into my own life:

  1. Ask for what you want

  2. Respect rejection, but don’t take it personally

  3. Do not apologize for how you feel

  4. But remember that your emotions are no one’s responsibility but yours

  5. Take a step back before reacting – especially when it is negative

My best friend has been calling me the Queen of Passive Aggressive. It’s an ugly trait that I’ve carried with me since I was a teenager. It hurts relationships because it is stops people from open communication. Then it leads you to overanalyzing everything, because passive aggressive comments always mean something.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

It is easier said than done, and even when you do it, you can’t always expect others to do the same thing. But you can only get back what you give out to the world. You probably won’t change the world and cure cancer, but you can change your world by treating the people around you the way you would want to be treated.

If they don’t, if they take advantage of you, cut them off. Life is too short to spend worrying about people who do not deserve your time. Use that time on yourself instead. Read more, do yoga, write poetry, start baking, learn a new language, spend time with the ones who love you even on your darkest days… do whatever you think will help make you a better version of yourself so that when you look back a year from now, you’ll be a little prouder of yourself than you were today.

And that when waves of anxiety or depression start to weigh you down, remember: you are strong enough to take the seemingly never-ending thrashes and fight back.

I wrote about this in my personal journal last night, but I also wanted to put it up here. This is just a lot less private and raw, and a little bit shorter, but it’s got the same idea. Maybe next year, I’ll look back on this and see where I’m at. Like a self-check on my own progress. No one else is going to check for me anyway. xx
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